On Hold

Today I took my IELTS speaking test, in a vain attempt to submit the 2 scholarships I’m aiming for before this month ends. My mind just shut down after any single question. If it had been about a specialized subject, I guess it could have gone a bith more smoothly. They asked about what I could see out of my window, which was nothing. They asked about my best friends, my favorite teacher when I was a kid, which was none. They asked about my favorite color. I couldn’t say nothing so some of that was made up. And when lies were thrown out, you gotta be consistent otherwise they would give you away.

Yesterday I tried to ask for some advice from a former IELTS examiner who I thought could be a good gay friend thanks to his sarcasm and knowledge. But at the end of the day, he sent me a rather lenghthy message saying how I used my “passable but interesting look” and sex to get people to do what I wanted, that I seriously needed help for psychological problems, my teaching skills was poorly appropriated and my charm was based on no education and skills. He claimed that he had been used by me, that he gotta go to the shower to wash the dirty feeling of being abused off his body. He concluded the message by saying he had sufficient intellectual capablity to not endure my manipulation any longer and to conclude that I was “a used turning into a user”, and lots of people whom he had contact to gather bits about me all agree with it, and they all confirmed my sexual track record. I guess he is already in his 40s. I’m 25.

I didn’t cry. Was I angry? Normally when people say insulting things, yes. But after reading that, I just felt off-guard. Who are those people? Do they even exist? Which track record, except for this blog, which hardly anybody around even knows? Was my personal information be tracked down easily somewhere? I know he had political connection, and used to be known for publishing and commentaries and all, but what was that all about?

All I needed when I reached out to him was just companionship, and maybe a bj or two along the way (but that wasn’t important). It was a pity that a potential friend couldn’t be turned into a friend. It was a pity and rather ironic that someone whom I considered knowledgable turned out to be arrogant, parading his intellectual qualification around, emphasizing it at least twice in a message, and had to come up with a series of hurtful remarks, not just regarding personality but also physical appearance, like that. I thought he was childish, and insecure.

But again, I asked Florian, I asked Damian, and just now I asked Jeremy. Was it true, what he said in the text, that I was a superficial somebody with sociopath tendency that took joy in hurting people? Is it the reason why I had no gay friends here? Is it why some students have decided to drop off recently, because I wasn’t good at teaching as I thought I was? I know very well something that is not, which is the part he said that I used my look to get my way since I never really consider myself attractive or anything close. But the rest was really haunting.

Last night I tried to put all of the thoughts off to sleep and jerk off. 3 times.

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This entry was published on March 16, 2017 at 5:11 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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