I don’t believe. And I refuse to believe.
5 days ago he said “I’m glad you’re mine.” I don’t believe things can be changed that easily in 5 days. Last month, he talked about moving in, about getting through distance and time together. And last week, he was still reminding me about travel itinerary for this new year. And I was still asking Damian just 3 days ago about how Laos worked and how we could catch up somewhere in the middle of our travel plans. I don’t believe things can be altered in such a turn of event.
I blamed him. It was meant to be just a hook up for me in the first place. He took that flight back here instead of carrying on his plan. I told him I had done long distance with George and all and it wasn’t my preference. But he asked me to give him a chance. “Maybe it’s time to move on with somebody else,” he said upon seeing Ben’s photo in my wallet. I slowly gave in to those tiny little gestures. It just wasn’t fair that he was the one to leave things halfway like this while he was the one that started it all. It was what happened with my first boyfriend all over again.
Anger. There is anger. The thought of vengeance crept into my mind. The sex tape was still here with me, with his face in it. I thought of sending it over to Dell management board, letting it float online, destroying his reputation for casting me under this unfairness. But then again, it wasn’t who I was. And again, watching it, I was reminded of his pouty lips, the gentleness in his smile, the youthfulness in his tone telling me to be patient, to practice safe sex and to quit smoking.
He always urged me to express my thoughts and listened. I told him I might not be what the first impression demonstrated, that there might not be things that were not pretty. “That’s why we’re still getting to know each other everyday,” he replied.
When I finally felt comfortable doing it and let it out of hand a little, he went against his own words. My final message asked him to communicate, to go by what he said, even for just one more time, so that I could have a chance to justify what I had said, for him to express what he felt, but more than that, it was for us to get through this one minor mistake.