So my colleague who shared the same room with me has a rather conservative and improper view regarding homosexuality. We’d been arguing about what is consider normal and abnormal since I opposed his choice of words upon describing some gay men around. Was it successful? Not really. But was it pointless? I guess not. Making a change takes time and the best way to do it is step by step, with yourself and with people who matter. That’s what I believe in.
Joe asked me to grow my hair, which I hate since I don’t want to waste much time with getting hair look right. Joe asked me to quit smoking, which I also managed to do, except for a few drag here and there. After the thought of giving up on Joe took solid form, I was thinking “why did I have to do that?”. But then I answered myself “Because it’s good and healthy for me, which he wants me to be, just like how I asked him to get his decayed tooth fixed and do more exercise.” And then a more frightening question arose: “Was it really because he was thinking for me and about me?” That one I don’t know. I’d never asked.
I was angry seeing Joe online (and even update his photo) on the app and not making any contact so I dealt with it the best way I know how. I went to this hotel last night to have my first bj of the week. What I was surprised at was that the guy was able to arrange 2 more mouths from Belgium and Norway. They were a bit mature but well, who could turn down 3 hungry mouths? I came in one of them while the other 2 watched. It was my first 4way (with people whose identity I was aware of) ever (those in the dark saunas don’t count).
I should be happy since it should have granted me a big bonus in my scoreboard. But I didn’t. I didn’t feel anything. I just went out of the hotel for a smoke break and drove home. It was a bit cold, the weather, as well. Normally, I would be so excited to tell Damian about the adventure. But I didn’t, either.
I remember it was also a cold night, while I was walking on the streets with my broken bike and Will was coming out of the restaurant in the opposite direction. Our eyes caught each other’s and then he cracked a slightly sly (but seductive) smile. He was handsome, bearded, fit and in jeans. He hopped on his friend’s bike and went away, singing “Since You Been Gone” aloud, but didn’t forget to turn around and catch a final look of me. That moment, that spark, “do you know how rare it is for such moment to happen in the modern technology age?” I should have done something. Always one of the things I regret.
I told Damian about it. And I wrote a song about it, not just because the moment was special but because a few months after I realized that he had messaged me on the app. We then exchanged numbers and all. We hit along quite well I guess. I was smiling all the way that day, until the day when we decided to meet. No reply. No sight at all. I didn’t make further effort. I just didn’t understand why.
Gregory is one regular buddy. He isn’t attractive but he knows what to do with the setting, the context and the substance. He knows how to suck, how to ride, how to put everything in the videos, and send my imagination sky high. He’s about to be back in town and gives me a head up, added me on Facebook even. I clicked on it and saw first thing on his friend list a guy, a boy, who is probably at my age, and looks like me.
I didn’t think he looked like me at first. But the problem is, the gay circle here isn’t that large. He used to date this cute Scottish (?) bottom (who also turned out to be a junkie, according to Alyona. See, the circle isn’t large!). We was very close to having sex and did have sex on cam long time ago. And that Scottish guy said his boyfriend bore lots of resemblance to me, physical appearance wise. That’s how I was aware of the boy on Greg’s friend list.
Out of curiosity, I clicked on his Facebook. The boy is an underground pop singer. He does mainstream pop kind of music (too much for resemblance?). And what I was taken aback of is that he is now Will’s boyfriend. Their photos are all over social media.
I wonder if that’s the reason he disappeared without explanation. I suddenly felt a surge of something, oh yes, jealousy, that’s how they called it. He had this cute bottom dude, and now he has Will. And he lives on his music making business. The sting of jealousy.
I wrote a few more songs in the past weeks. One of them was about my first boyfriend. I had wanted to write an ode to mock his efforts at looking fancy and habits years ago as a way to say goodbye but didn’t succeed. But that night, the song came quite easily. And then I missed having my own guitar and taking guitar lessons.
It’s been 10 years since I played anything and now they just slowly escaped me. I can’t even recall their places, the notes and the chords, which strings they are on, where they should be, just like my feelings.