We talked on the phone today to talk about boundaries.
I told him about how some of the kids on Sunday somehow figured us out just by observing our manners. I, being good actor like I usually pride myself on, thought I could have done something to conceal it upon confrontation but the kids really took me by surprise. He said maybe it was just because they have stick with me for such a long time.
I’ve done the long distance thing before. It didn’t work. I told him and I told myself to not waste youth on it since it won’t be probable. He told me it was up to us if it was possible or not. He told me to seek advice from Alyona since he thought she would be understanding and caring, with that whole kind-hearted view on each human being she interacted with.
I told him that he was from a capitalist country, he should have known a good investment is one with a foreseeable profit. What would be the profit if it leads no where? Isn’t it ironic since I’m the one who always says “My pop says you never know if you never try.” He came up with the idea of an expectation list and said we should compare it to find out the mutual area.
I told him that I’d gone down in a road where a successful sexual adventure, a man kneeling down in front of me, means something that contributes to my confidence, that it was difficult for me to stay committed. He said he didn’t ask me to and mentioned something similar to the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell concept regarding personal branching out.
But then I would have doubts, like I always have. My mind would paint pictures in my head of him giving head to another man. That was just how my mind works, even when I was with Florian: it’s OK to get head, not to give. It’s OK to be in control, not to be controlled. He told me I would just need to ask if there was any doubt, and he would be honest.
I asked him what to do next since I was insecure. He told me to just be and just sleep on it. We said goodbye, I click on the ‘End’ button quickly, right before he managed to wave his hand.
Little did he know that it was just not only my kids that asked about him. There was this lady at the office whom I very much admired for her intelligence and style also asked about him during the smoke break. Speaking of smoking, he said he would hit the gym more often if I quit smoking. I’ve touched none since that Tuesday night.
Little did he know that even though my past long distance expereinces proved to be disastrous, even though Alyona had specifically said ‘No’, I still believe in romance, in together working things out, in a happy ending. Mio, the one who was bound with me at birth , was able to do this and now she was about to marry that Taiwanese guy.
Little did he know that the ‘pop’ I usually mention here and there, with all those ‘cool’ life philosophies, doesn’t really exist. My pop is usually funny, but in a witty flirty way, not like that. And it’s not like I didn’t want to tell him my expectation but I was afraid that my expectation might be too much, too self-centered, too greedy.
Little did he know that on my way home from work today, I let a Spanish guy give me head and then fuck him, finally cumming on his chest. He was good at it, sloppy mouth and bouncy booties, but I just don’t know. The moment I started it I wanted to end it quickly. It turned from enjoyment into just for the sake of fucking, to just merely another point on the scoreboard. But I was angry when I saw him online on a gay app. Again, it was the giving/taking mindset.
Little did he know that partly it was the distance, partly it was the persona that made me worried about. He said he fell for me but I’m not sure whom he fell for. I was a cool and calm guy, all about games, about keeping scores, with a little bit of attitude, the guy who was flickering his lighter after sex, a bit of careless casuality, dressing in jeans for the office. Everyone likes that, or at least those I’ve met. Give me one date and I will blow the game. But now I’m just all about insecurity. Once that charm wears off, will he still care?
And little did he know that I had to end that phone call quickly since I needed to do so. He remembers the words I say, like lovers did. His message came next, saying it was great to see my warm smile again. I didn’t cry when he left but I do now.