The last time I was in Malaysia, I was with my mate Hamiz (sometimes he’s referred here as Benamiz or Tiger). He drove me around in his car, sharing his thoughts on life as a gay Muslim, his first denied romance, family value and unusually timed daily routine.We were both students back then. And I always made a joke that he was into me at first, that’s why he dropped a message in my Youtube mailbox but he said it was the other way around.
3 years had gone by since that day. We were no longer students. He is an established lecturer now and, to my pride and happiness, he is one with dedication and concrete personal view that doesn’t get shaken easily by peer pressure or superior dominance. I felt a bit ashamed since I was getting no where. But still, though selfish it might seem, I was calm since he wasn’t making any progress with his love life. “It’s not my priority,” he said. But I always thought he was lying.
But something doesn’t change. We talked about Ben. Hamiz was actually the one who pushed me to come forward with my feelings for Ben. And then we talked about the mysterious guy that he loved and went to Penang with once. I told him I did skinny dipping there at night time but he refused to believe that one. We still let the windows down and sang to anything on the radio. Anything rather than his power female ballads was good.
My last night in KL was spent at his place, just like the last time. His family gathered around, now extended a little bit, to cook sizzling noddles and Tea Tarik for me. His brother spoke better English now but still timid, which I didn’t want to see change. His new brother in law was crazy, making multiple offensive cultural references to which I would love to reply with rapid mean comebacks.
I sneaked out a bit to go see this guy whom I met and forged some certain feelings with during the program. When I came back home, Hamiz spoke no words. He just woke me up at 3 and drove me to the airport. I thought he was being a bit unreasonable.
The first I was home, I dropped him a message saying “I miss you”. I did mean it. His reply came: “But you still went out with that guy.” I guess feelings are still something hard to explain, even when you grow older, you thought you would be smarter and more mature.