It was his birthday yesterday and I didn’t know what to do except for sending over some messages. “Not delivered,” it said. I tried another number of his. No notification returned. The day after, being sure that the messages didn’t really come across, I tried Facebook messenger. Well, he could have changed his number since he was moving quite a lot.
I’m not upset. I don’t blame him for anything. After almost a year, I still live with the guilt every day, that I failed to help a single soul dying piece by piece right next to me. What he unleashed at a vulnerable moment still haunts me when I think of the future. “Do you think, those men of yours, they still linger around when you’re no longer young?”
He used to call me a pathological liar, to which I responded with another joke. When it all fell down, “manipulative” is another word that he said to condemn my existence. It had never occured to me that what I’d done could be characterized that way. After the following incidents that leads up to where things are now, sometimes I think maybe he was right.
I’ve been listening to Jeff Buckley’s new posthumous record. His rendition of The Smiths’ I Know It’s Over’ has always been one of my favorite. Too bad it was the live performance which has already been included in some previous compilation under his name. This perfectly recorded one, along with a beautiful retro video, just fell short.
I’m sure there’s this place for people that you will forever feel guilty. Even though they’ve moved on, which is better for them, you still want them to linger. Happy birthday, babe mate.