I was a bit baked the other day thanks to the bong that Johann brought along to the group dinner. While I was still seeing things and spinning around, moving my body parts without specific intentions, I noticed that Johann and D, a friend of mine who used to have a crush on both me and my ex boyfriend, were getting really close.
And today I found out they were about to have sex that night, after being introduced by me, but it wasn’t a success since Johann decided to bring me home in a cab instead of letting me drive under the influence. My friend and my boy getting together behind my back, very nice.
It’s really selfish and controlling, I know, but for all the wrong reasons, I want Johann to be my boy, and D to be my friend, and both of them to stay this way and if something ever has to happen, it has to go through me first. Maybe I’ve always been that kind of person. Every connection has to go through me. They have to be grateful since they got together thanks to me. They are not allowed to have any fun without me. Me.
I attended a funeral of my former teacher’s family today. He’s a diplomat who always takes his shoes off under the table, who always thinks outside the box and comes up with new ideas and ways of thinking. Today he took his shoes off again, but in front of everybody, bare foot, wearing the white cloak, head down, standing next to his father’s body.
My work is temporarily being dismissed and all I want to do is to pack and my bag and go somewhere. I haven’t traveled properly since Myanmar, or maybe Cambodia. In Myanmar, I was self trapped, with Jorge and my idea of a long lost true love.
Fiji Bear has left town again. I don’t know who to talk to at the end of day. I could still go biking though. And I did. And on the way I met my former law teacher who also turned out to be gay upon my confrontation today. He used to say he wanted to save me from the invisible loop that I was in.
Upon my question regarding his thinking and feeling about me, Max said he didn’t want to answer that since it wasn’t the best for both of us regarding our respective status.
“But I just want to know. I have zero intention of pursuing anything since I’m happy with what I have now,” I just live on romanticized fantasies, I guess.
“I have to surpress myself of thoughts…”
And I said thank you to Max, for saying just enough for me to figure out.