I am my mother’s only one. Nothing more.
It’s been raining lately, and sleeping always come with melancholy feelings. DJ Man always said that I was melancholy, to which I always responded with a big “what?”.
The career path I’m now taking is now getting more uncertain once I’m getting deeper. Remember how we used to grow up saying how we don’t want to end up like people around us and then we do?
The other days, I’m seeing off this guy whose name is the same as my first boyfriend. He’s always been my high school dream boy, good looking, shiny, humourous, next door guy, playing sports, gamer, smart as well, everything. When we hugged goodbye, I was almost close to ruining my caring friend’s straight face since I realize one thing: my high school is ending with his departure.
I had a talk with my mom again today. She still firmly believed in a future that doesn’t exist, with me starting a family, with a girl. Again, I saw her tears rolling down from her eyes, running past her wrinkles, traces of what she has sacrificed. She asked about Fiji, who was currently enjoying some theateric performances somewhere.
That reminded me that I hadn’t been able to pursue any backpack dreams, read any more novels, gone to the gym, engage in any cultural events, finished my Walking Dead video games, or completed my songs lately. Scattered words and melodies are still all I have.
And one night, out of many nights, those scattered melodies came to place. I had a dream in which we were sitting on the same dinner table, Ben, Jorge and I, along with my friend D and several dark shadowed figures lurking in the distance. Somewhere along the line, Ben finally came clean, after all this time, saying where he put his feelings in: me.
Of course, I was deeply moved, until Jorge jumped in the conversation and swept me away again with his passionate, aggressive and possessive nature, like he did 8 months ago. He was still that charming, with fluffy cloud like hair that I could run my whole fingers through, and that deadly blue eyes.
But before any action could happen, Fiji Bear showed up, grabbing me from behind, pushing my chair over and kissing me. It’s like he was claiming his territory in front of all those men, it’s like he was reminding me where my heart currently lies. But then again, it was just a dream.
Andrew also just texted me. We talked about stuff, from exchanging weather to more authentic topics. “You’re a good solo fighter,” he said. He said that’s the character that I’ve chose to play all along and still, might have to continue doing so.