Schedule is getting tight lately, with the new job’s high demand and problems at home, still, thank to my coming out. Today I caught my mom crying again. She then sent me a message saying all she wanted was for me to be happy but with a wife and kids.
And there is still Fiji Bear, of course. If I want to see him, I usually drive to his place, back and forth, after work and leaving after dinner time. Once reaching home, I usually find myself passing out in front of the computer screen passing out while trying to finish some extra work or put down my thoughts, no time left for me.
Juggling 3 jobs and the relationship is catching up with my personal time. I want to read, I want to write my songs, I want to go to the gym which I’ve abandoned for a few weeks now, I want to finish the novels Andrew got me, I want to go to French and guitar classes, I want to go on saving Clementine from that Walking Dead video game (in which I’m currently stuck at a derailed railroad track), I want to cook for myself, I want to take some shots, and of course, there are still backpacking adventures whose itineraries had already been made but lacking space to proceed.
And then I realized the pattern that I’m getting caught up: taking it all out on people around me, especially with Fiji Bear when he said something which sounds like a jab at my character or moral values accidentally via long-distance means of communication. But that’s not as poisonous as the other tendency.
I start to compare. Fiji is making progress with work, living fine and well, still managing to go out at night and having fun. He already came out a long time ago and of course, his loved ones are all faraway. And he’s got me coming home to him probably for 2 times a week. His network is getting bigger now. All my friends has become his friends.
On the other side, I’m fighting for what we believe in against my whole family, risking losing the most important thing and my job. And the other day, I learnt that he referred to me in his conversation with the family back home as “some guy”, and of course, possibly to his friends as well.
A relationship doens’t cure you from loneliness. Sometimes the relationship makes it feel difficult being alone without the other’s presence. And it’s even more difficult when you feel like your presence in the other’s personal world is almost non existent.