My sister came over, saying she had been reading a lot. I remember those last things she confided was how she had no idea that years ago, I had to struggle with the sexuality confusion as well as the fear of being molested by that man from our mom’s workplace. She finally said she accepted me for who I am, in a way, still asking me to keep the door open for romance with possible female figures in the future since she was worried of me growing old without any children to keep me company.
There was a time, around 20 years ago, while we were playing hide and seek, I pushed her into a pile of fluorescent tube lights that my dad stored in one corner behind the wardrobe. Glasses were broken into million pieces, stabbing into her back. Seeing my sister trying to comfort me while surpressing her pain with the thought I was born with such disadvantages in comparision to others reminded me of the feeling I had at that moment almost 20 years ago: guilt, self hatred and confused not knowing what to do.
Hanne came over last night to have a talk. We were smoking and drinking a little bit in front of my door again, this time without Florian. Her tears ran down those little pinky cheeks upon telling me the pain of getting stuck on the hook of this guy called Tomas for a long time. I kept on reminding her of how kind and beautiful she is but for that, she responded, “If it’s true what you said, why doesn’t he want me?”
Next thing I knew, I moved on for a kiss. It was slippery, small, with the smell of cigarette and wasn’t long either. There was something that pushed me to do it, to protect her when she felt so small and broken, and that kiss accompanied by the embrace was the only thing I knew how to do.
I texted Alan about my “forced” coming out. I hadn’t found an opportunity to tell him about Florian. At least he has moved on and is dating someone now, which is a good sign. To my situation, he replied, “At least you’ve got your man there for support.”
It’s such a nice and caring gesture that Florian has been sending me lots of messages, music and lately, calling me on Skype. This morning, I woke up to his missed Skype call and a video massage in which he looked a bit glowing in the morning rays. But it’s still really hard for me.
Going home, laying in bed and getting sleep doesn’t feel the same. I’m seeing the frowns carving on momma’s face, her quickly concealed teardrops whenever she sees me walking in. I’m seeing dad’s playing the disregard card. I’m receiving mom’s messages encouraging to overcome my “homosexuality”, my “sickness” and reassuring me of her love and support from time to time. And physically, I’m unproductive, sleepy, worn out and no work done all the time. And then text messages from Florian came saying he’d been going out with some of the friends, including my friend.
I know it’s really selfish to say this considering what he has been doing for me but sometimes I feel like I’m in this battle on my own. Alone.