The first time you cheated on me, you wrote me a letter, which touched me deeply since it proved how much you cared and how much you suffered. This time, you said you didn’t want to lengthen the message any longer or it would turn into another letter. So I think it’d only be fair if I wrote you one.
Today you greeted me with the gentle smile that I’m used to seeing and had grown to yearn for. We went on cycling around and talking about our days and our past, and then I got to the point where I said I didn’t want to make you feel like you’re being surpressed or held back. Cuz I’d learnt, with my own price to pay, how I should let people I love roam freely with the hope of they returning back to me. That’s when you started to pour out your confession.
“It didn’t even slightly come close to what we had.” This line, repeated once again, found its way to my deep dark corners. Of course Florian, how could it compare to what we’ve had? We’ve spent almost everyday together, practically lived (for a short time) together, grown together and, at least in my mind, nurtured this precious thing together. How could a stranger coming out of nowhere in the sauna could bring about the equivalent amount of affection and meaning? But yet, you see, it’s just a stranger, and it’s already enough to cast me and what we’ve had aside.
“He didn’t cum. Neither do I.” I asked you why it stopped and your response was because he walked away after a few minutes, because you were wearing swim trunks and all. This one hit me even harder: It wasn’t me nor the thought of me suffering, or even the promise that you made just about 3 weeks ago while we were sitting in that cafe that prevented it from going all the way. It was that strange guy who called it off. And what difference would it make it he cum or not? You could try stealing, or murdering. Without success, they would still be stealing and murdering.
You wrote on my back when I turned around what I figured during the vulnerable moment as possibly an “I love you” or at least a heart shaped figure. But now I started, or maybe I’ve been all along, questioning it. Maybe it wasn’t love that you really feel. Maybe you just needed friends, and fun, and some source of physical satisfaction, and more probably, you were just lonely in this strange town, and I happened to be around, with a lot of offer. Why not taking it? If I were in your position, coming across such person while I’m lonely, I wouldn’t be sure that I would not do the same. And then you grew gratitude and appreciation for what I’ve brought to the table, for my companionship and mistook it for love. This, if it turned out the be the actual fact, is very hurtful and cruel for me since I’ve must have treaded on a misled road. But it’s the only reasonable answer that my confused and wandering mind right now could make out of. Maybe what your heart wants isn’t me, but just experiences, who knows, or the idea of being in love and at the same time being experienced with all of the fantasies of unfulfilled adventures.
“Thank you for being honest.” That’s what I said after a moment of falling into the deep silence, which is also what I said last time. What else could I say? I felt like I could go mad, I could kill, I could think of million ways to take vengeance, but that’s who I used to be, years ago. Right now, I’ve seen how you would reap what you sow, how things go around and get back to you, I don’t know what else I could do. Maybe it’s the price I gotta pay for Richard and Mario incidents. Therefore, I want to just put the sauna thing behind since it’s practically that much.
But I also realize that you cannot count on being honest and repeatedly commit the same mistake again and again. It struck me as a choice now Florian, no more a mistake, which is what I’m very much afraid. It’s a choice that possibly demonstrates a pattern. A pattern for you, and a loop for me. You remember me telling you about the loop that the law teacher and Bathrobe, the ultimatum guy or even Alan saw? This is what they said that I see vividly now. Maybe they were right, maybe Andrew were right. There’s no smoke without fire. It’s not just you, it’s me as well. I didn’t manage to keep you and your heart at bay, to anchor you.
So maybe this time, although it would hurt me so much, it would cost me dozen sleepless nights (the goodnight message Ive got just now from you is somewhat ironic), I’m gonna have to let you go. Somewhere along the way, I would want to rush back to you, and to hold you in my small arms and kiss you again, and we’re gonna finish the Harry Potter marathon and drink hot chocolate, and finish all of those trips that we’ve been discussing with the piggy bank money. Somewhere along the way, I would want to see all the ideas that I’ve kept personally and come to believe for our future to take forms. Somewhere along the way, I would want you to hold me back, to show up on my doorstep and to beg for me to come back, to again make that promise in front of me that decisively and truthfully as you did. But what’s the point now such decisiveness that I saw the last time when you said such things would never happen again has proven to mean nothing? What’s the point now since I’ve witnessed it could be broken that easily and easily traded with just one short moment of flirtation and physical satisfaction? I’m not noble or generous enough, despite what I had and still have for you, to be able to play the role of the other man, like Lana Del Rey, the one who sacrifices heartache to be with his love while his love could still sail the boat away to different shores.
And somewhere along the way, my cruelness would blame those gay apps you’ve been on since it’s very likely that’s the only way they know you’re gay. My cruelness would also make me wonder if you are even suffering half of what I am suffering. I don’t want pity, I just think it wasn’t fair, for me to bear all of this alone, by myself, to see this bright future and then
Therefore, if this is what it’s going to be, if there’s no certainties at all, if words are just words, thank you for all the things you’ve done for me. It’s not a really long time but surely the memories I will treasure. I might strike you as someone with experiences in romance, after all these men, but it’s not true. There’s just one thing true, which is what I said to you about our journey: I do love you and this is only about the 2nd time a real relationship happens to me.
May you be happy with your choice and what you heart chooses to follow.