We met in a cafe near my place. I made the man go all the way since I got a late class on that Wednesday night and I knew very well I was in a more advantageous position. Florian told me in details about what happened during the business trip while I was watching vehicles passing by through the smoky window screens. Sometimes I take a glance at his facial expression, it was distorted, twisted, and looking down at his intertwined fingers.
“Florian, what do you want now?”
Without no hesitation, he faced up to me: “You.”
Normally, I was used to seeing him in his calm and peaceful ambiance that glowed around him. Hearing him saying what he just said in such decisive manner grounded my decision. Next thing I knew, we were crying with each other and then ended up in my place talking about nonsense topics again. And I saw the smile that amuses me everytime it erupts on his face again.
Andrew said that it was strange to him that I was the jealous type. He said I struck him as the one who’s not suitable for a monogamous relationship and anything I’ve ever had wouldn’t last 2 months. Therefore, upon hearing what happened between Florian and me and then the promise we made to each other, Andrew was quite surprised.
And then I realized maybe Andrew was right. What I always want from people is their being royal to me. And by that terms, I want them to want me, and to want only me, while I can freely enjoy the thrill of being wanted and also the freedom to choose who I’m going to shag next. I didn’t realize how hard I was acting towards Florian, the man who truly had feelings and cared about me. My ego, my self-esteem and narcasisstic nature took the tolls and made me act like a prude with high values on principles in romance and life.
After all, Florian was far away from my touch, and wanting to be touched, just like me all the time. The thought of him treating another guy the way he’s been treating me is the leathal injection that my selfish and controlling nature couldn’t bear but still, his honesty and sincereness, just like what he said to me, kept me at ease again. With Florian, I do feel anchored.
This incident has taught me one lesson: the lesson of foregiveness. I forgave him and asked him to forgive me as well, for what I did at one moment of fully conscious weakness with Mario, and not to mention the constant sex offers and actual blow jobs from Richard and Den.
Later, I found out that Florian had told his best friend Vivian, who is living in Germany, about this and said that he thought I would either chose to stay or with hime or to leave him. To which, Vivian said: “Good luck.” Looking back, at where I am now, that ‘good luck’ was definitely not just for him, but both of us.