Florian is on his business trip. But he doesn’t forget about updating me every step of the way. Sometimes it is photos, voice clips or just plain texts and German stickers to go along. I actually took up a few German words because of that. “Ich vermisse dich, not ‘dick’“, he said, “that means ‘I miss you'”.
We’ve never used the word “love”. He said I was his first real date ever and he had never been in a relationship before. From my side, my story was completely different but was also somehow similar. I was on lots of dates, lots of men counted but barely any relationship.
Tonight, Florian came to the furthest point I think he has been to in sharing his feelings with me. “There was a moment of loss,” he confessed, upon leaving for the business trip and it gave him such sharp pain. “It was all about you.” Somewhere a magical hand just touched me deep down.
But then, it struck me that I know exactly what he was describing, that moment of sharp quick pain in your stomach when the sense of loss started to hit you real fast. Jorge. Once again. It was about Jorge. David, Alan, DJ Man, Bathrobe, yes, there were nostalgia for them all but nothing was as strong as with Jorge. That devil!
And then my mind traveled back to how we used to be so dorky and sweet to each other. “I’ve got a mission for you. If you can get it right, you’ll get a blowjob. If you can’t, you’ll also get a blowjob as a punishment.” And there was the time when we needed to come up with a fake story on how we met to tell people, he said “Oh yes just tell them we met at the party, and then the music came and we fell in love.”
At this point, I couldn’t help but hating myself. I’ve got this loving man right in front of me, baring his soul to me, selfless, under such bright light, and it made me think of another man, also at the same age of 39, but giving off nothing but dangerous attraction. I’ve got this guy who always care about my feelings, my health status and my work, and still I think about the guy who wants nothing but attention and sleeps his way around and by doing that, breaking my heart. What’s wrong with me?
I know one thing for sure, If I don’t learn how to appreciate what I have, especially something as precious as Florian, when I lose them, it’s gonna be too late.