So Florian and I have been “seeing” each other for 2 weeks. That’s a funny word, “seeing”, he said. “It makes me think of somebody just regaining his eyesight after optical surgery.” And that’s just one among various lines that makes me smile everyday.
I’ve been sick for the past week and Florian didn’t mind taking the bus and figuring out the complicated lines to get to my place to visit me. Of course, all of our emotion exchanges have to be in discreet, otherwise my family member would be left with another burden in mind, at least in this time. Somehow, magically, we managed to spend a night together and there was some steamy session in the bathroom.
I’m still sweating everynight and coughing terribly. There’s some weird cuts in my tongues that prevent me from eating anything. And that night Florian was either holding my hand, patting my back or my head. He said it was disturbing to see me like this, and it just made him feel more protective. And I drank those caring words to fall into the realm of sleep again.
And the more I spend time with him, the more I see the goodness in what he does and the more I feel attracted to it. Thinking about my past men, a visualization of a blue flame in my head, one that glows in darkness. It was deadly but gorgeous. And I was just like one of those bugs amused by such glorious dark shade of blue and threw myself in and then left to burnt. That was the idea of romance to me. But Florian has proven me otherwise.
We don’t need to go through unhealthy fights, we don’t need to do drugs or chainsmoke everyday. We don’t need to engage in anything violent or risky just to feel the thrill of adrenaline to be seen as “living life”. The purity and warmth that build around him is such a new thing yet exciting to me. With him, there’s an overwhelming sense of peace. Or as how Florian put it, “With you, I feel anchored.”
And I’m willing to be anchored here for at least the foreseeable future.