“Maybe this is what I want.” That’s what I told myself before setting on a date with Pad Thai. He seemed like a spiritual, tribal vibe kind of guy, which was my impression browsing his Tinder photos. However, in real life, you can tell the difference between the person and the persona they are trying to be.
Pad Thai, in a way that similar to Alan’s, playfully tackled his identity throughout his boyhood, shape shifting from a gothic teenager to a colorful queen, going through a period which he described as a “really dark place”, only to temporarily settle as a dread locked hipsters with piercing and body art tattoo now. Of course, it wasn’t my place to make any judgement and my time exploring such foreign object isn’t enough to grant myself such right, but somehow, I feel like I can resonate to such struggle.
I’ve been trying to put on that cover of a tough, rather reckless, confident, cognitively sensible kind of guy, with shaved head, tattoo and all. Smoking was taken up, not because of the pleasure it brings, but merely the idea of engaging in such act. I’d thought people could be drawn to it, rather than the sensitive and awkwardly shy boy who couldn’t even find talking to co-workers or dancing in a ballroom at ease. And I’d also thought I could slowly embrace such cover, eventually ending up as one.
The moment Pad Thai started to give away signs of his vulnerability (his favorite movie of all time is Girl, Interrupted), his rather passive role that he desire in a relationship, my “big man” mode was automatically activated, just like while I was dating those girls back then. Chilvary is alive and living well, that’s the motto. Dinner date, absolutely. Pickup service or travelling long distance, no problem. Romantic words are just right in line.
The sex came right after such drinking session, though I tried not to stir our date in that direction since this is not another fuck buddy that I’m looking for. However, resisting physical temptation is just as hard as finding a blue shade in this weather. “Come in my mouth,” Pad Thai whispered, looking up at me while my hand was making a way around his dreads. Once again, just like the remark made by Bathrobe, I let my dick lead the way. What is even more terrifying is if this is the only way I know how to show affection, or in more profound term, to love?
“I’m going to cut it all off when I’m 30,” Pad Thai said, referred to his massive hairstyle, possibly hinting at another transformation in the near future. Maybe that’s what we all do and also what we’ve been looking for: change the scenery, hopefully the situation will follow suit, just like what was symbolized by Pad Thai’s huge lock tattoo on his bicep (to which he dared me to find the key). In case all the attempt fails, at least some certain beings might be fooled.