During a vulnerable moment over George, I confided in Alan about everything.
Before Alan left my town to follow his adventure in Oz, I’d told him about how I don’t really have a gay friend, whom I could share my thoughts with, since my best friends are all straight and very oblivious about sexuality. Alan said he could be that one.
Before Alan left my town to build his life somewhere else across the ocean, I’d asked him to join me on a trip to Laos in April. Initially, my April trip would have been dedicated to Steve, with everything planned already, including my first opera, my first dining in a French restaurant, his air tickets and many previously made promises. But somewhere along the line, we must have gone off track with each other. Now I guess we’ve both seen each other for our true colors, and decided to part ways, which is for the best, there’ll be no more trip in April. Therefore, Alan saying yes to my offer didn’t just only save me from another breakdown but also granted me something I had never had since Ben: a true travel companion.
With Alan plays such roles, roles that have been developing over time for us being in contact with each other, sending messages every morning and late night, sharing anything interesting music we find along our Internet history, I”ve been looking forward to our trip more than ever. And I’d thought it might be okay turning to him during this whole George thing.
But once again, I later realized that it was my inconsiderate selfishness that caused disdains to others. I know now not only did I hurt Alan’s feelings but also made him have to bury his sadness underneath the supportive friend mask that I gave him.
For that, and for million things else, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry, Alan. I should have known better about many things and your soul is one of them.