Before I met George, I was a little broken.
Things with Koen didn’t go well. The more we spend time together, the more he considers me as one of his gay friends whom he calls “sisters”, which annoys and saddens me at the same time.
I said goodbye to Steve, my supposedly virtual soul mate. In fact, he asked me not to appear again in his life. I was trying to put all of my thought about him in one post but I haven’t been able to since I don’t know where to start, and more importantly, where to end.
Alan was the hipster that brought the sunshine to my holiday break but it was only for 3 days. And all the sunshine was a few physical encounters that helped distract me from thinking about my old men. And when I realized how sweet and nice Alan was to me, how I miss the scenes where he would turn to me and hold my hands, caress my skin with his little fingers, he was already in a different part in this little world.
And then George came along, with this partially toothless smile and the rusty smell of the sea and daylight, of a young reckless soul that isn’t afraid to show its awkwardness. In the back of my mind, somehow I always see in him a part of Ben, like another Ben, not a person that I try to craft to be but a person that strikes me to be.
I know this is short and tomorrow might be the last day that I could ever see George again. I thank fate for bringing me to a person that could actually take Ben’s place or maybe more than that, by just being himself, even for a limited period, after all this time. But I’m also uncertain whether my heart can take one more Ben’s goodbye.