Koen and I have been dating for almost 2 weeks, seeing each other for literally almost every single day, with me driving almost 2 hours back and forth just to see him. We have good laugh together dining by the long and winding twisted road laying side by side with the quite winter lake. He always refers to his place as “home” while talking to me. The sex is good. I find comfort in his modern nostalgic scent, the scent that I sensed in his bed sheet, his hoodies and all over the sweater he lent me yesterday since it was getting chilly outside.
And yet we have never mentioned the status of our relationship.
We did bring it up once while he was video calling me from Cambodia. “What would you feel if I went around and hooked up with somebody in Phnom Penh right now?” he asked. Surprised by the sudden emergence of such inquiry, I asked him the same thing. “No, I asked you first,” he reassured.
“We’ve just met. I’m not in a place to be entitled to have such control over your life, you know?”
That was the best thing I could utter in the face of unprepared face off with what I’ve been holding back.
And till then, I could feel that my attraction that I had for that cool and diva-ish guy on that first Friday night, the one who pulls off such skinny jeans and sneakers at that age, the one with a certain amount of witty feminine that is something out of my regular box, the one with no hair and enjoy touching my thighs under the table, holding my hand in public and gently caress my waist from behind under my motorbike ride, is slowly wearing off. What’s left could either be something deeper or nothing at all.
Nothing at all, I fear of that.
I don’t know if he really needs me or he just wants me for what he always uses to describe our regular activities: “fun”.
And when I feel rejected and unsure, I keep going back to the sex place, to the guys that I fucked, those that I would describe as the “summer break”, which is an excuse to feel less guilty and then come home again, feeling hollow than ever.
And I know that you’re up tonight Thinkin’ how could I be so selfish.