Roberto (the Brazilian guy) is coming back to town and he’s readjusted his schedule to fit mine without the knowledge that I actually lied to him about my plans just to avoid meeting him. He even said that he would bring over authentic cachaca just because I used to mention how I hated Caipiroska and preferred real Caipirinha much more.
One of my guy friends, who I just learnt was gay a few months ago and also who used to have feelings for my ex-boyfriend while we were still together, just admitted (after much encouragement from me) that he has been developing feelings for me as well. And when the gate has been swung wide open, what comes next is the flood itself. Every single details on jokes that I made that unintentionally hurt him was revealed. On the other end of the phone, I could hear him sobbing, the very same sobbing that I made every night after Ben and I parted way without me telling him everything that I felt for him.
Steve and I are back on track after deciding to call it quit for a couple of days. I guess we just silently agreed with each other that the days went by with a bit more difficulties without my (which he considered) brat language nor his words of wisdom. Somehow, we are more comfortable telling each other about our personal lives without worrying that it will cause us a sting of pain. But, from time to time, he would say this thing about my face, my smile, my financial situation and our planned trip in April that makes me treasure him even more. Old guys always get their ways, don’t they?
Koen and I have been going out for like 4 dates. And we had sex on the very first. Tiger warned me that we might be taking things too quickly and that I shouldn’t develop any real feelings since it was just lust. But we did the house, the bike and everything together like we were real couple. He would say those things that I find cliche but touching. The sex was incredible since he played the exact role that I find appealing. I remember him saying this after the first time we did it in his hotel room: “Ain’t it fun? I feel bad for those people at the end of a relationship, staring at each other without anything to say.”
Now, when everything has almost been settled down, his new life has started to take its form, I begin to wonder what my role would be in it. I wonder if he, the one who only stays in one place for 1 or 2 years and then moves to another one, even another continent, just considers me a local that could help him with the cultural introduction and procedural papers and more importantly, just a late night evening fuck date to get by. He’s been trying to avoid whenever I bring up our relationship status either. I guess Tiger might have been right. What burns too bright and quickly might as well soon sees its own demise.
Damian is another one. His extreme Italian delicacy and wide knowledge has never failed to surprise me. Worshiping eroticism, he loves to slowly turn me on by licking my, mmm, up and down slowly, hitting all my pressure points that he could trace with his magic fingers and tongue (yes, he’s studied Thai massage). He made me this wonderful dinner every time I come over, which I find appetizing and thoughtful as well. Listening to his confiding, his time in New York working as a doorman for a concert hall where Bob Dylan used to come to try out new music, doing plays for theater and now teaching Art History and having a wide circle of government people under his wings, I feel so small yet eager to be enlightened all the time. My hunger for knowledge and sensual touch is what drives me to him. And sadly, those are the only things that drive me to him.
There was a point where I felt so desperate for the touch of a living human being that I would post something on Craiglist or go to the cruising sauna place. But there is this point as well where I feel divided and sinful more than ever. Yes, my old men do keep me from the winter of my life but they also introduce me to the new level of uncertainty, of guilt and pleasure that I’ve never been.
They say best things in life are free. But you weren’t free and you are the best.