This day eleven years ago, the first man who matters to me passed away. My grandpa passed away.
I remember being picked up from school and informed of the news by one of my mom’s co-worker, who also somehow molested me years later when I was more mature, and spending the whole way home wondering what I’d done wrong. Yes, I was thinking about myself, not pap. I was trying to find if I’d anything undone, any unfinished promise that I’d made to him, any lies that I’d told and hoping that neither of those would cause him any kind of resentment.
When I was struggling with my sexuality during the first sweet pre honeymoon phrase of the relationship with a guy in college, he came visit me in my sleep once and informed me of his approval. I guess if he’d be a supporting character in one of those American sitcom TV shows, he’d say something like “stop whining and go out with the guy already”. But he was a veteran. But the point is I got balls to do what I did after that.
I met some of the relatives today. They were catching up with each other’s lives or as I prefer, trying to win the “who’s got a better life” game. No sooner had I arrived that I believe everyone was updated with who I’m dating (to which their reaction was “oh really? He must be studying too hard”) and how much I earn a month for doing this job. I was then trying to talk them into talking about pap, rather than, anything going on. After all, they were (supposed to be) all here for him. And then I realized after all this time, I’d been using him as an excuse to either feel better about myself or defend my choice in case of bad result or as a shield to avoid backlash.
Sometimes I wonder what he’d feel if he saw me the way I am now. I know that I’d always been his favorite out of the four of us. (He once made my other cousin walk all the way home from school just to save me the seat on his bike). But it was before I realized that I’m really into men, selfish, unemployed of some sort and all that. And that was way after his death.
I hope I don’t disappoint you. Because if I do, that’d be my greatest regret.