If you ever know


I woke up to find people sending you birthday wishes flooding Facebook feed. I think due to my heavy rotation of silently watching you from afar, every single movement that you make in that unreal world leaves traces, just like those left all over my body and soul.

I remember the day when I last saw you. I was there, half naked, hanging in the middle of the air, hands holding a sloppy rope strategically tightened between that rock slides, trying to climb down to where you were. “Trust the rope!” That’s what you kept on repeating all over when I was swinging without no intention of going either up or down. “Trust the rope! Trust the rope!”

During that moment, if you ever know, how can I be able to trust that rope, even though I know for sure that it wasn’t gonna fail me, since I don’t even trust myself? That’s how I am, no instincts, no senses, no nothing, just an overwhelming joy, fantasy or whatever that makes my head feels like ecstasy, when I’m around you.

I remember the day when I last saw you. We were walking around that coastal town just like any other nights, feeling the wind or actually the boredom and awkwardness in disguise. My cover gave me all away, I guess, which is why you asked me whether I had anything in mind (I guess this also). I said no, nothing at all. After 5 minutes or so, you turned to me again with that concerned voice: “Are you really sure you don’t want to tell me anything?”

During that moment, if you ever know, I could be able to shout it out to every single person walking pass by us that I’m in love, I’m fucking in love with that dork walking right here with me. I could have canceled everything, postponed my flight, even stayed there, working something up just to afford spending time with you. I could have followed you to any places that feed you the joy of exploration that you’d inspired me with. But how could I? I see tiredness behind those crystal blue eyes. Risking whatever we were having there would be the last thing I wanted. That’s why I responded with a “no”. A single word could hurt.

I remember the day when I last saw you. We were exchanging a hug before I left that vehicle, with my stuff, to go back to where I came from, to the usual life without adventure and without you. You’d asked me if I missed anything from home and I said no. I told you these things had grown too familiar and repetitive.

During that moment, if you ever know, I was lying to you. How could I explain to you that I want every bit of this whole thing to last for a month, even a year without scaring you off? I chose to swallow them all and put them in a box nicely labeled as sarcasm and immaturity. But that last hug was real. It was like my subconscious trying to convey when I’d been suppressing in that one single moment.

To be honest, I want to stay up and transform my thoughts into words, inlay em in this blog and hopelessly seek for some wanderers with the same thinking in order to be reaffirmed that this burden of bitterness and helplessness is not served for me only but I’m too tired. Anyway, it’s your birthday, I guess you are somewhere having a blast, I just know, and I really hope that you are, because I know you deserve it and I know that’s exactly how you are emblazoned in my mind.

Happy birthday Benjamin.

This entry was published on May 6, 2014 at 6:04 pm. It’s filed under Ben and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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