This daytime job is consuming, draining and wearying me. I have no other choice, but to quit.
I went to a bar today, not because it was Valentine day but because it was Friday. People were all over the place, dancing and singing and no sooner had I realized that my whole pack of cigarette was gone. I know this habit is not good but I couldn’t think of anything else to do.
I remember being 11, crazily obsessed with a chick named Avril Lavigne that I went searching high and low for Let Go – her album. I bought the pirate copy for 1 dollar and literally got drowned in the fourth track instantly. Little did I know that over 10 years later, every single word of that song by that then 17 singer interprets exactly what I’m trying to figure of my feelings.
Maybe I’m not that bright.
Lately I’ve been feeling all kinds of wrong. This is so different from the loneliness people have to endure through their puberty. This is not the heart broken feeling when people get dumped by the same guy who’ve promised to accept and love you and whatever kind of train wreck going on in you. It’s not being misunderstood, taken for granted nor being judged. It’s even worse: desperation.
And then in a moment you start to emphasize on how much people are doing better than you and the fact that they have all the things that you want. Desperation then turns to jealousy and self indulgent.
I want to get out. I need to get out. But still, I’m still longing for a hand to slap me in the face, shake the whole hell of negativity out of me and pull me out. Whoever that person is, I’m with you.